Melancholy!!!

The sun is hidden behind the clouds, a cold breeze moves the limbs of the pine trees back and forth, the grey sky is mirrored in the snow covered ground, a light snow masks any hint of color from your eyes, and the quiet is so deafening that you can hear the ring in your ears and the thump of your heart. Is this the definition of Melancholy? If not, it sure has a way of defining that feeling inside.

As a parent there are times that we just want a break ... "give me some peace, just for 10 minutes". I have been told that I am lucky because I get frequent breaks from my children. As I sit here and look around my house, there are signs of three beautiful children that belong in their home. But they are not here. That is not by choice ... nor is it by design ... but rather, because of a situation that I had a role in. I do not want pitty, sympathy, or sorrow. I want parents to understand what they will experience when they put themselves and their children in these situations. I would give anything to be longing for peace right now rather than longing for my children, the noise, and the chaos that goes with it. I don't wish to be lucky anymore!!!

I am blessed, and I know that. There are many fathers and mothers that are not allowed to see their children, be a parent, or may be experiencing these feelings for the first time. The longing does not go away, but coping skills will develop to help soften your reaction. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help others get through these difficult times. More importantly, I hope that I can influence others to resist the temptation to interfere with a parent-child relationship and do what is right and what is best for their children to support those relationships. Ultimately, I would like to see this country get back the family and the family values that create family focused children. Let us end the "ME" generation and get back the "YOU" generation.

Merry Christmas!!!

Well Christmas is here again.  It seems like it was just last month that we were celebrating Christmas.  The good thing about time moving so fast is that my "Off-Years" are gone quicker than it took to get here.  By "Off-Year", I am referring to the years that my girls are with their mom. 

I know that I should be counting my blessings because I will have Lil E on Christmas Day, the girls will be enjoying Christmas with their mom and family, and I will have my girls for a week following Christmas.  There are many dads, moms, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins that will not be seeing their loved ones this Holiday season, or anytime soon ... and many will not be by their choice, but that of a misguided parent.  I hope that those misguided parents let God into their hearts and do what is right for their children. 

This year is especially difficult for me.  Not only will I be a long time without family around, but the financial drain from attorneys and the courts is depleting all that I have worked so hard to save.  Rather than spend the time away from my children shopping for their Christmas gifts, I have to pay my attorney and spend the week trying to figure out how Santa is going to afford gifts to the same quality as in previous years.  I guess they will be getting a letter from Santa this year ... explaining "Economics" and "Financial Difficulties".  The funny thing is that I believe that this hurts me more than it will likely hurt them.  They are quite amazing girls ... and I love them so dearly.



"Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is the following:

1) For Kadin and Gracie to smile from the time I pick them up on December 28th to the time I take them back to school.
2) For Christmas to pass as quickly as possible.
3) For children to be reunited with their fathers (you can have the year to accomplish this task).
4) For a happy, healthy Christmas for my family and friends.

And in case I have not thanked you for all the years of gifts, Thank You and I Love You ... Both of You  ;0)

Your Son ... I mean, Big Daddy DLC"

Merry Christmas and have a safe and joyous Holiday.

CHOICES???

In my most recent child support hearing, the apposing attorney asked me a question ... she asked me if signing my girls up for basketball was a choice? Of course I responded "yes." Whereby, she proceeded to make the claim that it was a choice and that cost should not be considered as an expense for my previous children. Ironically, and my attorney pointed this out, we were not claiming this to be a necessary expense, nor asking that it be considered in the cost to care for my previous children. The next day ... as I began to dwell as I do, I spent a significant amount of time on thinking about "Choices".

Let's think about this ... the following are expamples of choices that affect our children:

* Sleeping with someone that may result in pregnancy (this is a mutual choice, made by two people)
* We can choose to buy our children books to read or video games to play.
* We can choose to send our children outside or let them stay in and watch TV.
* We can choose to discuss sex and drugs with our children or let them learn from their friends or experiment on their own.
* We can choose to be actively involved in our childrens lives or focus on our careers.
* We can choose to fulfill our duty as a parent or we can abandon them ... noting that when a father (or mother) abandon's their child, they also take away the other parents choices.

There are so many choices that we make each day that affect our children. Take a moment to consider the choices you make and how they may adversely affect your children.

The following are choices that I have made recently to make me more available for my children and improve the quality of their emotional lives.

* I withdrew my name from consideration to be the local office manager at the company I work for (a potential pay increase of $30-50k per year plus bonuses) ... this would require too much time away from home.
* I purchased a larger home that increased my monthly expenses by $300/month ... but my children each have their own rooms and Lil E has his own room, even if he has not used it yet.
* I cut back my hours at work from full time to 30 hours per week ... so that I am home for my children after school. I also pick Lil E up at 3pm, 3 days per week.
* I wear jeans and shoes with holes to extend their life and my need for clothing ... this affords me the ability to spend a little more on my children.
* I emptied one of my retirement accounts to afford an attorney to fight for my right and desire to be a parent to my son and fulfill my duty as a parent.
* I've remained in a town that is far from my family to ensure that my children will always have their "dadda" in thier lives, and can always get a hug when needed.

Now I want to look at the choices that Lil E's mom has made that I am aware of:

* She purchased a Cadillac Escalade to replace the paid off Dodge Durango because the Durango was too small for her, her two kids, and their stuff ... this increased her monthly expenses by $402/mo on a ~$40K per year salary.
* She put Lil E in daycare at 3 months for 37 hours per week rather than allow dad to care for him an hour or so each morning ... this increased the monthly daycare expense by $100 per month.
* She is asking to change the "First Right of Refusal" provision from 2 hours to 2.5 hours ... although not confirmed, it appears this is so that she can leave Lil E with a babysitter while she coaches rather than with his dad ... we live a mile apart.
* She continues to ask the courts to limit my time with Lil E ... with no justification.

In today's society, it is becoming so easy for a mother (and in 10% of cases a father) to strip the other parent of their choices. For example:

* Where Lil E goes to daycare was not my choice.
* The 15 hours per week I spend with Lil E was ordered by the court.
* The times I can go to daycare to see him ... or even take him from daycare. Just imagine how you would feel knowing that daycare gets more time with your child and that you are not free to pick them up and take them to the park in the middle of the day (Kidnapping!!!).
* The $1800 per month in child support was ordered by the court ... which is taking away my choice to be home for my kids.
* Where Lil E sleeps at night, who he sees first in the morning, who he sees last in the evening, what he wears ... and it goes on.

I know that there are many parents out there that do not engage in this type of behavior and I commend those that can allow the other parent to have the same responsibilities to their children's development as they do. To the parents that are angry, bitter, and seek to hurt their spouse, I emplore you to find other ways to release these emotions ... do not take the children from their other parent or their choices in life. We must all be free to make our own choices that affect our children and selves. So when you are making the choice to goto court, consider that children need both parents equally, and that love, time, and a relationship with both parents is far more valuable to our children then the money that can be extorted through the courts.

Choose Wisely Each Day!!!!

The Verdict

The Courts Priority Consultant gave her recommendations to the Court ... she actually recommended a reduction to my time with Lil E (my son) and changed the days so that the family time I have with all three of my children is reduced by 4 hours.  Remember that I only had 15 hours each week with him ... so 30 minutes is a lot and 4 hours is just plain wrong!!! There were other things in the recommendations that clearly showed the bias toward the mother.  These changes, in fact, were her wishes.  This is the type of thinking that I am incapable of understanding.  Anybody focused on their children, and not their own self centered needs, would know that this is not what is best for anybody but themselves.  Clearly there is some confusion about who's needs are being satisfied with this schedule.

[The Verdict]  Fortunately for Lil E, the judge did not agree with the Priority Consultant, nor did he understand the logic that was used to conclude such a recommendation.  For the next three months, the schedule is to remain status-quo.  After three months, Lil E will finally sleep in his Chicago Bears theme room once a week, each and every Sunday.  After three more months, Lil E will get to sleep in his room twice a week.  And in 9 months, we are to go back to court, where the judge feels that we will be talking about a schedule that is something more like a 2-2-3 ... Shared Equal Parenting!!!! 

Am I happy?  Yes I am!!!  I would love to have him sleeping over today, and have Shared Equal Parenting now, however, given the lengthy process that I have endured through the strength and grace of God, I at least can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And that is a light that was turned on by my faith.  Continue to have faith, as there will be changes for the better eventually, even if it's 20 years down the road.

This is however a bitter sweet moment.  Although I have been suffering through this process, there are so many parents out there that are not having such success.  This MUST CHANGE!!!  I have a friend that has been fighting to see her children for 10 years ... and recently was put in jail because she could not afford to pay the child support order, even though the appellate court declared her indigent and the father is working full time with a working spouse.  Don't miss understand me here ... I agree that parents should financially support their children, but putting a parent in jail is something I do not agree with.  Nor do I support the extreme amounts often awarded that take so much from the other parent.  There is a solution to this problem ... if it weren't so political. 

If you believe in Shared Equal Parenting, then send me an email and help me make changes!!!

Happy First Birthday Lil E!!!

My son's first birthday was a success.  The girls and I turned it into a two day party since we had only a limited time to celebrate with him.  On his birthday, he enjoyed an oversized cupcake ...

With only a little help from his sisters, he ate the whole thing!!!  I love you Lil E!!!


A message from Big Daddy DLC - these are the kind of moments that parents cherish ... keeping a parent from enjoying them equally is not what is best.  So when parenting, remember that your children have a right and both parents have the right to have a relationship together and create memories like these.

Judgement Day - Priority Consultation

Earlier this week I attended my 2nd session with the Priority Consultant at Family Court Services.  The Priority Consultant spends time talking with both parents, talks with other professionals, then makes a recommendation to the Court regarding the issues presented to the Priority Consultant.  A Priority Consultation is a limited scope process that generally becomes the Courts Order.  As I have been told by many attorney's and experienced in my own case, a Judge is unlikely to deviate too far from the Priority Consultant's recommendations.  In my own case, I was successful in defending the oppositions attempts to limit my son's time with his other family to just 10 hours per week, versus the 18 hours he has now.

So why do I call this Judgement Day???  The Priority Consultation process allows the PC approximately 4 hours to complete their task  Many attorney's have also told me that I mustn't talk badly about the mother because that will reflect negatively on me.  So, if you have concerns about the mother and their desire to prevent you from having an equal role in your child's life, how do you present this without appearing to be badmouthing the mother.  Have you ever walked on Eggshells ... this is more like walking on cracked Eggshells!!!  If you have a genuine safety concern that must be brought to the attention of the PC, it must be done in a way that does not appear to be badmouthing.  One missed word and you may negate the entire concern.

This week I spent 45 minutes with the PC.  The mother spent 75 minutes.  In my first PC session, the PC recommended that a child development expert work with us, primarily me because she felt I needed child development education.  I have spent more than 20 hours with this child development expert, who has gotten to know me as a person and as a parent, and has also spent time with my son and I, witnessing the bond and attachment he has for his other family members.  I was informed that the child development expert spoke with the PC "briefly."  So the PC spent 45 minutes with me, spoke with the child development expert "briefly," and has never met my son ... yet they are making determinations about what is best for my son.  How is this possible and how is this in the "Best Interest of the Child?" 

Judgement Day!!!!

True Victim's of Family Courts

Am I a victim of the Family Court System?  NO I AM NOT!!! ... Are you?

It is true that I have been treated like a subclass of the human race, felt the tremendous pain of receiving court appointed time with my child, and grieve the loss of my child every time I have to return him to his mother ... because this is "In the Best Interest of the Child."  They may take all of my material possessions, and they may even take my son altogether; but the Family Court system can not take away the love my children have for me and I for them, they can not take away the desire for my children to know and be with their father, and they can not change who I am as a person and what I believe is right for our children, our parents, and our Nation.  Tomorrow, just as today, I will continue to be the man that I want my son to emulate and my daughters to seek out in a mate.  Tomorrow I will know that my son did not choose his "Visitation" time with his dad, nor did he choose to abandon me ... if the courts were to ever allow for our separation.  And tomorrow I will wake up, thank the lord for blessing me with three beautiful children, whom I so love and adore, and I will continue to live knowing that someday my relationship with my son will be restored to its natural order, and the missing memories of the past will be overwritten by new colorful memories.  So Am I a victim?  Again I must say NO!!!

Who then, is the true victim of the decisions handed down by the Family Court System ... my son, my two daughters, my son's other sister ... these are the true victims because they lack the emotional and psychological ability to comprehend and process decisions handed down by the Family Courts, and in many cases are unaware that these decisions are not made by the missing parent.  The psychological instability of not knowing both halves of oneself has a lifelong impact on a child [see Fatherless Statistics].  All to often, children blame themselves for the separation ... "it must be something I've done to cause him to leave."  Children are separated from their fathers (in ~90% of cases), children are separated from siblings, as in the case of my two daughters, children are separated from their extended family ... so how do they come to know their full self in these situations?  I don't have these answers, nor do I want to attempt to justify decisions that produce these questions.  The truth is, keeping a child from knowing either parent equally is CHILD ABUSE!!!  [with the exception of an abusive parent]  and any parent knowingly keeping a child from the other parent is abusing their child(ren), which is a direct conflict with "The Best Interest of the Child."

The odds are good that my son will be separated from his child or children at some point in his life if families continue to dissolve at the same rate they do today.  The pain and the loss that I have experience is too great for any parent to wish upon their children.  This is why I as a father, and WE as as a Nation, must stop the Abuse and change our laws.

Sunday “Visitation,” Torture, and Abuse - Is this YOUR story?

Two weeks ago, I was brought to tears when I witnessed the emotional torture and abuse of a 4 year old boy; his struggle with the amazing love for his dad and the pain that he was experiencing because his time with his dad was limited to just 3 hours per week, was beyond obvious.  If this is your story, then I must hear from you!!! 

It began one Sunday afternoon …

While walking home, my kids and I were walking through an alley that opens into the park.  A few feet from entering the park, a 2 year old child ran across the alley entrance.  I thought nothing of it, it’s a park; as we entered the park and I had a full view, I was nearly run over by this 4 your old boy …

Stop and take a moment to reflect … think about the times when your child would greet you after work; a smile as big as their face, a sparkle in their eye, arms spread as wide as they can be, as they run to you as fast as they can.  You squat down, open your arms, smile big and catch them in your arms; wrapping your arms around them, pick them up, hug them, and give them a big kiss as you twirl them around.  It’s an unforgettable greeting that I am certain almost every parent has experienced, so take a moment to re-capture that image and relive that memory.

Fast forward after divorce … from afar, I might have thought nothing of it, but from close, I can not let go of the image left behind.  Almost everything that I described previously was the same, with one exception; this time in this situation, this 4 year old boy was not smiling, he was not beaming with excitement, but rather he was crying; tears rolling down his cheeks, his mouth was scrunched up from the pain.  The look on his face was the same look that your child has immediately after they have fallen and hurt themselves; they run to mom or dad for comfort and to make things better … remember that look?  I watched this scene unfold and knew what was happening.  It was dad’s Sunday “Visitation.”  Dad had all the favorite toys spread out on the picnic table, Grandpa was there also, and the mother’s father sat across the park and supervised.

It left such an impression I had to go back.  I introduced myself and gave him my number, not wanting to disrupt the small amount of time his boys had to relish in the joy of being with their dad.  I spoke with this father a week later.  He is just beginning the pain staking process and mother is “Permitting” him to see his boys for 3 hours per week!!!!  Appalling!!!  So why doesn’t he assert himself, you may ask.  For fear that being assertive might be described as aggression and the Family Court may take away the 3 hours per week he does have.  The unconditional love and attachment within this family was clear … so why do they have to be separated like this? 

Helpless, alone, belittled, treated with such disrespect … it’s no wonder that the feeling of hopelessness sets in, Faith becomes nothing but a word, and Dad simply gives up!!!  How can we do this to our children?  I will never understand this logic.

An Appology to My Children

In my first post I spoke of how my third child found his way into this world.  Clearly there was no planning involved, so someday he may be told by others or feel himself that he was an "accident."  One thing is certain, he is no accident.  There is a purpose to his life and God gave him to us for a reason, and that reason will be disclosed in time.  Although it was a bit of a shock, I developed a love for this child just as strong as the love I had when my two daughters were born, even though I was not present through most of the pregnancy.  What causes this?  It is the knowledge of knowing that I am going to become a father again and the experiences of raising two daughters, who taught me the meaning of Unconditional Love!!!!  Holding a helpless child in your arms for the first time is such an amazing feeling.  That's what made my love stronger each day for my unborn son ... and my love grows stronger each day for each of children.

I want to apologize to all three of my children for my failures as a man, as a husband, and as a father.  There is a reason why men are from Mars and woman are from Venus ... to be parents that compliment one another in the upbringing of their children.  To each teach them unique things that the other can't teach.  This is also why it is important for children to be with both parents equally.  As a man, it is my responsibility to lead a family in all aspects of life.  I was unprepared and inexperienced.  I was unaware of this responsibility, which in part lead to my divorce.  As a husband, I did not truly understand how to love my wife in a way that she needed me to love her, and this is the second-part that lead to my divorce.  As a father, I failed because I was unable to fulfill my other responsibilities as a man that would keep the girls parents together ... something that every child wishes for.  But here's the paradigm ... if I didn't fail previously, we would not be blessed with a son, a brother, and a future father that will grow up with these beliefs and knowledge. 

So to my children, I am sorry for my failures that led to living situations that are not ideal.  I did not knowingly make decisions that lead to this.  I know that Kadin and Gracie struggle with this even after 5 years, however they would struggle much more if one parent was taken out of their lives.  Lil E will most likely have similar struggles, but is too young to understand at this time.  I can't take back my actions and decisions that led to our current family situation, but I can tell each of you with confidence that I have grown through these experiences ... I have obtained the wisdom that I was missing and now have tremendous clarity about what I want to teach you about families, parenting, and life.  So I am sorry for my past failures, but I hope that I am able to teach you, guide you, and model positive attributes that provide you all with a better life than mine; living in a healthy family environment, and marrying a partner that compliments your strengths and forgives your weaknesses, and loves you unconditionally, to no end. 

To my children, DADDY LOVES YOU!!!

My First Post - The Reason Why!!!

[You're a Father]  In February 2010, I found out I was going to be a father for the third time, with a girlfriend I hadn't dated for that long.  Within 5 weeks, she had decided that she wanted to go it alone and broke up with me.  I know that I was in a bit of shock because I wasn't sure how to make everything work for the best for all with an ex, my two girls, her daughter, and now a child on the way.  But, that was no reason to shut me out the way that I was.

I wasn't sure if I would see my son after he was born because I knew that the father of her other child had never seen his daughter despite his desire and will to see her.  So, I spent the next 7 months grieving the loss of a child I had never met, and researching the effects on fatherless children and Shared Parenting. 

[My Son is Born]  I was very thankful when she allowed me to be present at the birth and receive him from the delivery room.  He was so beautiful ... 7 lbs 13 oz.  I did my best to allow him and his mother to get comfortable at home so I accepted the time she gave me with grace.  After 3 emails had been exchanged, one explaining my views on shared parenting time, and two explaining her views on the appropriate "Visitation" schedule, she decided to take it to the Family Court to decide ... my son was 13 days old.

["Visitation"]  I know that I was blessed when compared to other fathers, as I was given 4 hours of "Visitation" per week until he went to daycare at 3 months old ... at which time my "Visitation" was raised to 10.5 hours per week.  Now for the the illogic in this scenario ... I was willing to do everything possible to be available for my son, even go into work late and stay late.  What was decided to be "In the Best Interest of the Child" was for me to see my son for 3 hours at daycare and from 3 to 5:30, 3 days per week at home.  Make note that two of those days are during work hours ... It got better when they imputed my income to full time, which was forcing me to make a choice between seeing my son or working to paying the full child support.

I have since been given more time and my son is nearly 11 months old.  I have been given 18 hours of "Visitation" with him per week.  Three of those hours are still at the daycare.  And today, I became 2nd choice at the daycare.  How, you ask?  My son was very tired near the end of my visit.  Up until recently, I was able to put him to sleep on my shoulder ... what an amazing feeling ... but today he cried when the daycare provider left the room.  Upon her return, he quieted down and she put him down ... he was asleep in minutes ... just another dagger stuck through my heart, but I will stay strong for my son.  [Something to Consider]  There are two things to consider here, 1) this makes sense because the daycare has 37 hours of parenting time (more than double that of his father), and 2) a father should not be 2nd choice to daycare unless he chooses for that to be. 


This blog is the beginning of my mission to change this system "In the Best Interest of the Child."  Children have the right to know, and be raised by both parents equally.  Shared Parenting is what is best for the long term health of our children, our families, and our nation.  I hope you enjoy my blog and I am looking forward to a time when there are many people on here discussing these critical topics about our children.